I Recreated All the Hottest (Freakiest, Creepiest, Rubber-Suit-iest) Sex Scenes from 'American Horror Story'
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but American Horror Story is one of the sexiest shows on television. And even though the anthology series is super scary—like violent, gruesome, all the things—the episodes are filled with major stars and sex scenes that make it absurdly horny.
Sure, there are some pretty unsettling moments, and yes, some of the sex is weird at best and problematic at worst. But because my libido is always looking for something new, I figured what better way to slide into spooky season than by recreating the hottest AHS sex scenes with my husband?
So for both your pleasure and mine, I chose a bunch of scenes that A) never fail to get me aroused and B) aren’t as uncomfy as some of the others. Go ahead and live vicariously through my personal experience below—or hell, try it yourself.
Just know that American Horror Story can get…gory, as you can see in some of the video clips I reference below. Consider this your warning if you’re queasy with blood.
Season 2, episode 4: Sex on the kitchen counter
Considering American Horror Story is full of blood and monsters and now an adult Macaulay Culkin, a kitchen counter hookup is about as vanilla as the series gets. But since my hubs is 100 percent not a fan of scary shit, I figured this was the best way to ease him into our week of very strange sex.
In Season 2 Asylum, Evan Peters’ character, Kit, has spontaneous, sort-of hate sex with Lizzie Brocheré’s character, Grace, on the counter while baking. The duo bonded over being wrongfully committed to the mental institution, and to take their minds off things, they go at it in the asylum’s kitchen.
So in order to recreate the angry, rushed vibe the duo has during their tryst, I decided to seduce my mans while waiting for my Starbucks delivery. I was hungry. I was horny. And I was pissed at how long it was taking to get my damn PSL.
With my order five minutes away, I hoisted myself onto the kitchen island and pulled my husband close, planting a few rough kisses along his jaw. Since we only had mere moments, my hubs decided to give me a lil hasty, morning cunnilingus. And by the time my latte arrived (five minutes late, I might add), I was feeling a little less stressed and a little more into the idea of going at it next to my rotting produce.
Season 1, episode 1: The sexy masturbating maid
The first season of American Horror Story, Murder House introduced viewers to Alexandra Breckenridge as a sultry housekeeper/ghost named Moira—easily the hottest character in the entire franchise.
She’s a mixture of sexual innuendos, short skirts, and moody comebacks, which are all things that come very easily to me. She has a lot of seductive moments, but one of my favorites is a simple clip when Ben Harmon (Dylan McDermott) walks in on her masturbating (which then causes him to cry while jerking off, which turns into a running joke of the series—IYKYK).
Luckily, I had enough black clothing items and an old apron that when put together, actually looked vaguely like Moira’s getup. After slipping on some uncomfy heels, I grabbed a duster and sauntered into my husband’s office, asking if he wanted me to clean in there.
Unfortunately, while my hub’s eyes got wide, he also asked if I could vacuum the house. I promptly walked out of the room and flopped on my bed, debating my next move. I then turned over onto my back and pulled my skirt up around my hips, hollering for my husband to come help me with something.
When he walked in, he watched in awe as I touched myself, and while he tried to join, I told him he could only look but not touch. It all felt very “the lady of the house might catch us any second,” but very hot nonetheless.
Season 3, episode 2: The very witchy fertility ritual
If there was one sex scene I was most excited to recreate, it was the Season 3 fertility ritual between the witch Cordelia (Sarah Paulson) and her very shitty husband, Hank (Henry Renard). The couple had been having trouble conceiving, so Cordelia decided to use a lil magic, which involved fire and floor sex—two things I was very much about.
Since I had my IUD removed exactly one day before, I figured this was the perfect time to have my first ~unprotected sex that might result in a pregnancy~ moment with my husband. Even though he wasn’t totally on board with the whole “let’s do a spell thing,” the fact that he was going to get to uninhibitedly ejaculate inside of me made him pretty game to the overall experience.
After laying out a cheap tapestry I got from Amazon, I put candles all around us and invited my husband to join me in the center. Since I had absolutely no idea what sort of incantation to murmur, we decided to just say what we loved about each other with the lighting of each new candle. Aww!
For obvious reasons, we skipped the whole “rubbing blood in each other’s mouths” thing, and I was bummed snakes didn’t magically appear around us mid-fornication, but having deep, passionate, perhaps baby-making missionary on the floor was pretty great.
Season 1, episode 8: Rubber man sex
The Rubber Man, a character who first appeared in Season 1 of AHS, is one of the most common recurring themes in the series. This character wears what looks like a BDSM suit that was originally purchased by Chad (Zachary Quinto) in an effort to spice up his marriage in Season 1. In later seasons though, the suit was used by different characters for a variety of other unsettling situations like murder, sex, and assault.
Even despite that, it wouldn’t be an AHS sex week without me trying on the infamous costume. So, I ordered a black, full-body spandex unitard, a black balaclava without a mouth hole, and some black gloves from Amazon. When all the pieces arrived, I ripped them out of the package and promptly threw them on, surprised at how sleek I felt and how oddly accurate the look was when put together.
I realized there’s wasn’t any hole access in my get-up though, so when it came time for my hubs and I to role-play, I decided to give my husband a quick, gloved blow job instead of penetration. Did his erection seem scared? Yes. Was it hard to breathe? Also yes. Did I regret spending $50 on a black spandex unitard? Absolutely not.
Season 5, episode 4: The Lady Gaga blood orgy
Considering how iconic it was when Lady Gaga joined the cast in Season 5 Hotel, I had to do my part and attempt to reenact her famous blood orgy scene.
Basically, Gaga—who plays a vampire—gets it on with her partner (Matt Bomer) and a random couple they invited back to their bedroom. But while they’re all getting frisky, Gaga and her boyfriend attack the other couple and start drinking their blood (hence the whole vampire thing).
Since drinking blood is not currently part of my diet plan and I wasn’t looking to invite a random couple into my house because of COVID-19, I had to get majorly creative.
First, I donned my sparkliest pair of underwear and threw on a statement necklace from 2014 that I found in my closet. Then, I put in a pair of vampire fangs I had from an old costume and invited my hubs to join me in the bedroom with a bottle of Hershey’s chocolate syrup. (Since that’s what was used for blood in classic, black and white horror films, I figured we could use it for our vampy sex.)
I guessed vampire sex was filled with a lot of biting, scratching, hair-pulling, and doggy-style, so that’s exactly what my husband and I did. We tied each other up. We pinned back each other’s hands. We contemplated whether or not immortal beings are real. And even though our blood orgy looked nothing like Gaga’s, I’m pretty sure The Countess would approve.
I knew trying to recreate the best sex scenes from American Horror Story would be no easy feat since most of them involve gore and/or illegal actions. But with a little creativity and a whole lot of chocolate sauce, I was pretty blown away at just how scary-hot sex could be.
Even though I’m definitely going to have to throw my sheets away, leaning into my inner monster was absolutely worth it. The next time we recreate the orgy scene though, I humbly invite Evan Peters and Alexandra Breckenridge to join. Can we make that happen, Ryan Murphy?
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