I’m not sure I’ve ever really loved my wife of 20 years
DEAR DEIDRE: I’M not sure I’ve ever really loved my wife. We’ve been married for 20 years and have three children together.
It’s been a roller-coaster from the start. We have very different interests and ideas and we argue about everything.
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Three years ago, I started having an affair. My wife found messages from the other woman on my phone.
She was gutted, asked me to move out and started divorce proceedings.
We spent lots of money on lawyers but it stalled and we still aren’t divorced.
After a few months, it fizzled out with the other woman and I stopped seeing her.
My wife said we should try again. I agreed, though my heart wasn’t in it, and now we’re all back living together.
I’m 50 and she’s 47. We probably shouldn’t have got married in the first place.
But my friends were settling down and she seemed like good marriage material, so I proposed. Although I don’t feel great passion for her, she’s a good, kind woman, a good mother and I know I can trust her 100 per cent.
I want to love her – so why can’t I? I feel like I’m in limbo.
DEIDRE SAYS: You need to make a decision based on what is best for you and for your children, who are surely being affected by all this back and forth.
Your ambivalence about your marriage will keep you in this lost place.
Love isn’t always about great passion. It is also about respect and support.
If you do decide to stay, you both need to commit to making the marriage work.
You and your wife should consider relationship counselling.
Relate (relate.org.uk) and Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org) both offer online sessions.
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