Steve Braunias: The Secret Diary of … Horoscopes for 2021, part 1


CAPRICORN (December 23-January 20)

More, more, more! You’ll get the most out of life this year. Excess baggage is good baggage. Add, multiply, hoard. If you see something you like, stop at nothing. The law is an ass. Anarchy is just another word for taking chances. Who dares, wins; you’re going to have to lose money to make money. Old and powerful demons from the past return with a vengeance. Where do you go to when you’re alone in your bed? The trick is not to be alone. See your family doctor – and bathe often.

AQUARIUS (January 21-February 19)

Uh-oh! Something you least expected is about to knock on the door and not even wait for you to answer it. Look for the exit signs. When the oxygen mask comes down, place it over your head. Can you possibly spend just a little less time with your face buried in your phone? Give some thought to other addictions. Weight gain is good gain. Have your cake and eat it, then have another cake and eat that too. Travel beckons. You won’t need your passport but you will need warm clothes.

PISCES (February 20-March 20)

Yippee! 2021 is set to be a golden year and your natural glow will attract a great many new fans. It’s going to be pretty busy and full-on in all sorts of ways so you might want to give some thought to turning your bedroom into a haven of peace. Cushions, incense, dream catchers, crystals, wind chimes, Krishna posters… Think of it as your mood board. Crazy friends are good friends. They last the distance. A change of address is likely. You’ll be fine but keep an eye on the old and frail, they’ll need your support.

ARIES (March 21-April 20)

Stop thinking! You have a reputation for making complicated things look simple but the reality is that you complicate simple matters. 2021 is all about decisiveness and even ruthlessness. Feeling unhappy inside? Sylvia Plath wrote in The Bell Jar, “I felt very still and very empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo.” That’s you, boo. An existential crisis is a good crisis. Travel north. Pack a toothbrush and not much else. Leave only a very light footprint; you don’t want to be followed by you-know-who.

TAURUS (April 21-May 21)

Bah! Another year of struggle, hardship, betrayal and worsening prospects. It’s okay. Buddha said, “No one can escape death and unhappiness. If people expect only happiness in life, they will be disappointed.” An allergic reaction is a good reaction. It will teach you what — and who — to avoid. Express yourself on social media through multiple accounts. Conspiracy theory is just another name for alternative thinking; don’t be afraid to challenge conventional narratives, it’s your responsibility to wake up the sheeple. Sunshine and exercise are a waste of time. Choose darkness and sloth.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21)

Ahoy there! You’re in sight of land in 2021 after some pretty rough years at sea. You being you, you’ll miss the rough years at sea. Try to be a little less gloomy. People need you to be the best you can be. Any effort is a good effort. Have you considered commercial real estate? Greg Ninnes wrote at in July, “Medical tenants are seen as very desirable by investors, along with dairies and liquor outlets, because they are regarded as resilient businesses, even in tough times.” Someone loves you very much. Give them your heart.

Part 2 coming next week.

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